The Quest for unknown
If there is one blog that comes any closer to my range of thoughts, its perhaps Charu's Peek in to my mind. One reason might be that we both belong to the same 70's generation. Many of her posts, like this one, echo my own thoughts. Her recent post “What about job satisfaction” prompted me to jot this down. Like Charu's my father has been a public sector employee with all those notions of job-security, timely promotions, free medical aid, subsidised residence and meals, all that might be perceived a luxury today.
In 1995 I was rejected at the interview for the same organisation (BHEL), despite of clearing the supposedly difficult written test and that somehow put in my mind that my father could have tried to get me selected. My father on the other hand was furious (and he still laments for that) that I did not try for other coveted government jobs well in time (age-limit for government jobs in India is mostly 28-30 years). He would quote many of my friends and teachers who thought I could very well make it to the IAS. Retrospecting on the events I can only say that lack of determination was one factor and another was that I did not wish to go and study again for those exams. It's an irony that destiny led me to eat my words, appear in a test, qualify and go back to schools to join a full-time course and attain a PG qualification related to Software Technology.
So sequences of events are the guiding factor in ones life whether he is able to lay hands on the coziness of a secured job and, still important than that, to derive job-satisfaction. For me this factor had been an alluring one, looming around but difficult to pocket. In last ten years among half a dozen jobs I have been looking for this, it often comes stays awhile and then flies away as swiftly as it came. Last week when I went home, I and my father were sitting together and he just patted on my back and stroked my hair and said “you are not taking care of yourself”. I could understand his thoughts, as my father he could well empathise with me, he thinks the job is taking its toll on me.
Who knows, may be he is right! May be not the job but the quest for that missing gratification is taking the toll. I might be more confident, more clear about my capabilities today, what I am unsure about is where I should head to to achieve what I want. Today my search is more for financial security rather than career. After my kid is here I do not want to be nomadic anymore. But the fact is, the search would perhaps not end any sooner. Because to be very frank, I am not even sure what I am looking for!